Every appliance we buy, be it our washing machine, refrigerator or vacuum cleaner, comes with an instruction manual, telling us exactly what features they have, what we can expect them to doand instructions on how to use them.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had an instruction manual for our lives?
Especially when it comes to parenting.Our lives would be so much easier!
Being a parent is like going on a roller coaster ride. One day, things are all good, going well and we feel on top of the world and just the very next day, something happens and we begin to question ourselves and if we’ve got it right.
The truth is that there is no one way of doing this right. The child, the parent, the process everything is dynamic, flexible and so No One Size Fits All.
So, let’s see how we can circumvent the issue and make some sense of it all.
With much experience, trials, errors and insights over the years as a parent, here are 8 valuable lessons I have “learnt”:
1. Be Open
There is no set road map to follow to raise children.
We naturallytend to use our outlook in life that shaped us as individuals, as a reference to shape our children.
However, times are different, situations are different too and so sometimes what worked for us need not necessarily work for our children. And most importantly, we ourselves have conditioning or belief systems in place which are not supportive or productive. Keeping that in mind, we need to be adaptable, flexible and assess things as they comeand change direction if needed.
2. Continuous Self-improvement
As parents, we are in a position of authority and a lot of what the children pick up is by viewing the world through our lens. That’s a lot of power vested in us. With great power comes great responsibility. Though we are not tangibly “accountable” to anyone, it is a self-monitored responsibility to be aware of limitations and conditioning that lie within us. We have our preferences, likes, dislikes, fears, compulsions etc etc. We unconsciously super impose our mental, emotional blueprint on our children while raising them. The best way is to actually stop and think about why we are upset or bothered about something, why we are intervening in their natural growth process. Self-introspection leads us to true answers. It empowers us to give our children the chance to explore and have their own experiences whilewe bring in unbiased advice and support to the table. Constant self-improvement and inner growth are very important for being better parents with the right balance and perspective.
3. Children are not an extension of us.
As the character Piglet in Winne the Pooh says, “The things that make me different are the things that make me, me”.
Allow children to blossom rather than attempting to mould them into cookie-cutter-like shapes that fit our idea of how they should be. Every child is unique so let them revel in that uniqueness.
While most parents want to see their children happy, our ideas of happiness may differ. For some it may be getting into the very best school and university, for others it could be that coveted job along with the matching lifestyle. Some may want to live through their children and fulfil any dreams that they had during their younger days, perhaps of being a singer or an actor. The reality is that a person can only be truly happy in his or her ownunique expression. The biggest gift we can give our children is freedom of choice and then support and guide them to the best of our ability to realise those dreams. Happiness, whatever the definition might be, will automatically follow. It is after all, the secret ingredient – happiness-that we all seek.
4. Be Yourself
Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken”.
Kids have the innate ability to sense what is genuine and what is not. That’s because they tune into feelings rather than only listen to our words. They know when we’re being authentic and when not. When you plan an enriching activity or even offer to play with them or read to them, do you do it as a reflection of your duty or do you genuinely enjoy doing that particular activity? Your child will not feel good when you’re not really having fun, when you do it as a “to-do” task. So be authentic, be natural in your interactions with your child. If you enjoy a sport or cooking or nature walks or just sitting quietly then go ahead and do that with them rather than forcing a supposedly “ideal” activity for the child.
They sense and flourish in your true enjoyment. That is more valuable than all the information we try to cram into them.
5. Honesty Is Indeed The Best Policy
As uncomfortable or perhaps inconvenient it might be for us to tell the child the truth, do it anyway, in a sensible,age-appropriate way of course. Truth about situations and about ourselves as well.
- Think before you promise and then keep your promise. It is a sound foundation for mutual respect and trust.
- And also, be comfortable enough in your skin to show your vulnerabilities. Let them know it is okay to not be perfect.Better for them to see their parent as a human being with their own limitations and weaknesses and yet as strong people who are striving to improve. Once they see this, they are more likely to be aware of and accept their own areas of improvements as well, thus building a stable platform for an honest and trustworthy relationship in the future.
6. Delve into your true intention
We are not always doing or saying things which are in the best interests of the child. Sometimes we could unconsciously be making it easier for us or making ourselves Feel better by say, putting down some rules or guidelines.Say, if we get them so scared of the future (many times because of our own fears), they are more likely to start studying, which makes it easy for us but then, have we instilled fears that become so difficult to undo? It is very important for us to question our motivations in getting them to do or not do something. Often we end up propagating our fears. We land up encouraging irrational fears in our children, which then limit their ability to assess situations or be independent as they grow up. Our pet line in this situation is often, “Because it is good for you” or “Because I said so”. None of these approaches go very far, with the kids either rebelling or going behind the parents’ back to do what they feel is not in reality an issue for them. So, let’s take ourselves out of the equation as far as possible and in an honest manner see what is good or not good for our children. Along the way, children sense and appreciate the sincere focus on their needs and interests. This leads to better bonding and better acceptance all around.
7. Lead By Example
Actions certainly speak louder than words and more so in the case of children. No matter what we say and how often we say it, if we don’t walk our talk, it fails to inspire our kids to do what we ask them to. For example, if we ask them to get off their devices, but we ourselves continue to text or surf immoderately, it will certainly send mixed messages and dilute the importance of that “rule”. They will eventually turn out to be what we actually are , not what we ask them to be.
In the end, “BE, don’t tell” is a good mantra to follow, simply be the change you want to see. Simple, may not be easy!
8. No need for Guilt.
The final cardinal rule is to notgo on guilt trips. A conscientious parent wants to do the right thing. Being responsible for another life may seem to be truly daunting to many parents. So many times we take on the burden of any negative consequences that we perceive. But really, all that is required of us is our sincere best effort. When we parent selflessly, sincerely, (as well as we know), the Universe echoes what we throw out and captures the spirit of our endeavours in its answer back to us. So, take a deep breath and relax into your best efforts, totally guilt-free!
Finally, as the philosopher and poet Rumi said, “Our children may come from us but do not belong to us”.
We have been entrusted with this wonderful opportunity to care for another being and we carry out our role with love and faith..knowing, in essence, parenting provides as much scope for re-shaping ourselves as it does for guiding our children.
