Life is full of hopes and dreams, just like it should be. These high-definition visions add color, definition, purpose, excitement and commitment to the routine of our lives. But what happens when things don’t go our way? How do we face the prospect of things not working out as we imagined and hoped they would? How do we handle disappointments that come our way?
When any of us look into the face of disappointment, there are two main factors which decide the next step – our general attitude/ outlook and the more specific emotions, thoughts we allow to generate within us. Both of these influence the choices we make next to deal with the situation.And hence the future direction.
How can we recognize if our responses are helping us or simply making the situation worse than before?
Let’s look at the factors that are working underneath in shaping our course: this is not a general theory about the issue but rather what actually was addressed for the members of the Yuen Method Synergies group. As the actual weaknesses that came up can be for just anybody, collating them here.
Attitude
An attitude refers to a set of emotions, beliefs and behaviors toward a particular object, person or event.
Each individual carries their own attitude or outlook which is an outcome of many factors like upbringing, past experiences, cultural influences etc. One can feel “everyone is out to get me” or “the world is a friendly place”. In any given situation therefore, every individual will react and respond differently based on their attitude.
So, someone who believes that their life is over because a particular event did not work out as they meant for it to, will go through a very different experience from someone who thinks, “I tried my very best, if it still didn’t work, let me see where I went wrong and improve or fix that”.
Having a supportive attitude (and we always have a choice) changes the lens through which we perceive the situation, it alters the chemistry of the mind and gives us the strength and energy to move forward in a positive manner.
Connecting to Support and Solutions
This is paradoxical as, though on one level we wish to be supported at all times especially trying times, often,many of us sub-consciously close up when in trouble. It is like curling up into a foetal position on the inside!
This prevents us from accessing our own inner guide and solutions too!
And then we feel a sense of isolation and loneliness as if there is no one who can understand our position and support us through it. In reality however, there is so much support available to us from within and outside of us.
This is not a helpless kind of “Help Me!” reaching out or expecting someone to save us but rather staying in charge completely and being Open to Receiving. One will be surprised at how help comes in from expected and unexpected quarters, if one only stays open.
Attachment to Goals & Outcomes
In our busy, multifaceted lives, establishing priorities and goal setting is very much stressed upon (and then feel stress from the same!).
Goals do help us to keep to the course and feel purposeful. But there are many factors which could shake us from our trajectory. `How do we take this so called “failure” in our stride?
By keeping the goals and desired results at arm’s length. Maintaining a healthy distance from them so that while they help us achieve what we want they don’t get under the skin. One remains the Master of the goals and not become enslaved by them.
The more attached we are to the outcome of our pursuits, lesser the inner poise and grace in handling disappointments/”failures”.
Criticism / Judgement
Objectively evaluating situations that went wrong is good as a learning exercise for ourselves.
But often when we find ourselves tangled with unsuccessful outcomes trying to repeatedly answer the very common but potent question, “why?” we may simply be looking to attribute blame some where to justify the situation.
From that space, we often indulge injudgement, criticism and blame whether on oneself or others.
Its therefore extremely important to avoid this pitfall. Take a step back, be aware of thoughts at this time and put them into perspective. Criticising oneself or others only adds more layers and confusion to the situation, taking us away from clarity and understanding.
Right Answer
If we get the right answer then the situation improves. So in case one feels“I have not achieved the desired result because I was not alert, or didn’t put in the desired effort” etc… subsequently, If that makes you feel better from inside and energizes you to do what it takes even in a small way, you are on the right track. But If that is not the right answer then one continues to feel miserable – if not more miserable -and supportive action does not come about.
Dr Yuen says repeatedly, “ When you get the right answer, the right answer improves the situation”.
So if you repeatedly feel something is a cause and the situation doesn’t improve then that is not the right answer. Look elsewhere for possible causes. In a curious way, not in a judging, criticizing, blaming fashion.
Guilt / Regret
When life doesn’t turn out the way we wanted it to, we put tremendous pressure on ourselves. We start examining everything we did or didn’t do with a fine tooth comb and look for ways to blame ourselves or the situation for our “failure”. Often, we start feeling guilty or regretful of decisions we made or actions we took when we look back into the past and start doubting ourselves going forward. Guilt is in fact a very lowering emotion and hence the term “eaten with guilt”. It can colour our perceptions, allow us to make harsh decisions about selves and life in general. This sets the pattern for how we think and act in the future,and subsequently what we attract into our lives so much so that we may actually find similar experiences keep repeating themselves.
Anger / Frustration / Irritation
Everybody experiences anger at different times, to varying degrees. It’s simply a part of our human experience and evolution.
While a certain element of emotion may be felt at the time, the constant lingering in those emotions can be draining.
And sometimes there is a misguided notion that anger motivates people to do something about the situation and take action.
In reality though, when you act in anger, you lose self-control, (the term, “mad with rage”is not coined randomly) and rationality in your thinking process leading to less-than-optimal actions/solutions going forward and more setbacks.
On the other hand, constructive reflection, examining what went wrong, what were the triggers in that particular situation, how did that make you feel etc might be a more useful way of learning to cope with disappointments in the future.
Grief
In the context of achievement, there may be the feeling of grief or sorrow when we repeatedly don’t get expected outcomes from something we invested so much of our time, money, hopes into. There is a feeling of hopelessness or bleakness that we just can’t seem to shake off. There is also the need for comfort or attention that we may seek out at this time and when we don’t get it as per our perception of what that comfort should feel or look like, it further compounds that feeling of being at rock bottom.
Our entire mindscape changes with these thoughts and we are unable to feel supported in recovering from and growing from this situation.
By acknowledging our emotions and understanding their impact on our lives, we are in a position to resolve the problem. By being open to receiving help and support, we can take charge of our own improvement. Support can come in any form – family, friends, various forms of professional help, a stranger in the bus- solutions can come through any form.
Self-Awareness and Inner Strength
We all face challenges in life when things don’t work out for us, it’s how we respond to and solve those challenges that sets us apart from each other.
Negative attitudes or emotions lower our functioning frequency which leads to more negativity.
We attract negativity in return ( we can only attract what we ARE not what we WANT), missing out on any other positive possibilities that might come our way in the bargain.
At the core of it all, when our emotional health depends upon external factors, there are always going to be ups and downs based on how things work out. If situations work out well for us, we are happy and upbeat, but when they don’t, they send us into a downward spiral of depression, self-pity, low self-esteem etc.
What we need to work towards is emotional independence that ensures we feel centred and stable no matter what comes our way. When we are neutral, we are able to align ourselves to the physical intelligence- that which makes us breathe- which is the warehouse of solutions.
Make it Useful
One of the most powerful and productive questions you can ask yourself after every disappointment is, “What did I learn from that?”
Every challenge then becomes a learning opportunity which leads to inner growth and strength to effortlessly deal with obstacles in our life.
An event becomes garbage and accumulation only if we allow it to; else it is a fertilizer which makes us grow.
Trust
And sometimes we just have to trust the journey even if we don’t understand it, for often, what we get may not be what we wanted or expected but the very thing we need.
Christine Hassler, a life coach and speaker said (of setbacks), “It opens the door to opportunities for healing our past issues, changing how we’re living now, and creating a future based on who we are — not who we expected to be”.
Geetha is a holistic and alternative medicine professional. She specialises in energy modalities, primarily The Yuen Method which offers solutions across all spheres of life – physical or mental/emotional. By identifying the root causes for the problem, she is able to resolve and strengthen clients in various life situations.This session for members involved strengthening them for the issues mentioned at a sub conscious level for any contributing factors like parents, ancestors, one’s own experiences etc etc.
For more information, visit www.synergies.me
